A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. ~ George Bernard Shaw

What a day! I certainly could stand for a little happiness! I don't think it would kill me :-)

Called our RE this afternoon: My file says it is "Recommended that I have an HSG and cd3 bloodwork". Umm, thanks..No one told me. Tomorrow Matt has his appointment with the urologist. After that I plan on calling the only OB-GYN in our area and scheduling myself for a PAP and to make sure they can do out-patient U/S and bloodwork. Being that our RE is two hours away they recommend I want to know that my OB-GYN is capable of doing some of the things needed (especially if we can go ahead with IVF).

Once I know what Matt's appt says, I'll call our RE and schedule myself for the HSG: CD1 should be Thursday or Friday, and HSG the end of next week or the beginning of the following. I'm already dreading all the time off from work and having to explain it to my boss and give excuses to co-workers.

My boss probably won't give me a hard time and I'd like to think she'll be understanding, but like I said...I work in a nut-house. I know I have 2 weeks vacation and 4 personal days for the year. We're not really planning on taking any vacations this year, so it may just be taking a day here and there.

I feel way behind with our treatment of our IF. I know a lot of it was delayed because of Matt's back, but still....there are couples on the Nest who have been TTC for a shorter time and they've already had the whole gammut of testing and have already started IUIs/IVFs etc. Here we are at 2 years and nothing more than a couple of tests and no idea where we're going from here. We've been at this for so long (and still a long ways to go till July before we continue), and I feel that we should be further along than we are. That we must be doing something wrong to not have the prospects of a baby yet.

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be" - C.S. Lewis

There are days when I think I'd be ok if we didn't have kids (probably a defense mechanism) and there are days when I can't imagine living without kids: Not raising a child in what is right, having cuddle time, or playing with them and watching them grow. It certainly helps, both Matt and I, I believe, that my sister does spend so much time at our house (she's 15).

With our 10 year difference I have always been a "second mother" with her: My grandma called me "The Little Mother". She's there almost every weekday afternoon/evening for at least a couple of hours. When she's not there, the house just seems so empty. Matt commented on it the other day (she wasn't over) about how quiet the house seemed. I can't imagine not having any kids ever, especially once my sister grows up.

Matt's doing all right. When you ask him though you get "I'm OK". WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?! He was "OK" before surgery. That boy needs to pick up a dictionary and get some new words! I do see an improvement in him. He's a bit stiff from trying not to move too much, but it's amazing to see him becoming his old self! Matt was always a goof-ball and acting silly...he's started to do that again! I tell him that I feel like I'm getting my husband back. Of course he's in denial about it and I think his "OK" response is just his fear of him not being healed or getting his hopes up about a complete recovery. Completely understandable.

My mom asked me to make a quilt for their church auction in september: I guess I better get started on that soon, otherwise it won't ever get done. I did finish the last of my UFOs *drum roll please*.....ta-da: I made two of these, but only finished one in time to give it as a Christmas gift ('07). My mom has been "whining" about how I haven't made her anything...I plan on giving it to my parents for their anniversary in November.

It's such an easy pattern to do! I plan on trying to do one a bit different: Have all the trees in one direction green and the opposite direction a dark blue swirled with silver and white (think Christmas trees against a snowy night sky). I would use a white border on the bottom (snow) and more of the blue on top (sky). It sounds good in theory, but we'll see.

The weather here has certainly been interesting...I don't think there has been such an icy winter that I can remember. Snow...yes, but this amount of icing and wintry mix...nope. I ended up cancelling my massage appointment after work. I just went home and cooked dinner: My mom sent down meatloaf, and I made homemade biscuits and roasted potatoes. After dinner I made orange marmalade which came out REALLY well. I wasn't expecting it to come out as good as it did. It had just the right amount of sweet and bitter. I told Matt that I definitely want to do a garden this summer and I want to learn more about canning/jaring.

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.

We've certainly had a lot of adversity in the past 2 years...what with IF and Matt's back. It certainly has proven to us, how strong we are in ourselves, our faith, and in our relationship.

That said: I suppose I'm ready to grapple with this beast: Cystic Fribrosis (CF). Our RE called on Wednesday to discuss the results of my bloodwork and informed me that I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis:
"Did you know that?"
"No, I had no idea."
"We'd like to test your husband."

I won't lie. My heart fell into my stomach when they told me that. The only thing I knew is that CF is not good. It's one of those diseases you hear about, but hope to God you never deal with. I immediately went to mayoclinic and started researching it. Now the only question that remains unanswered, for me, is whether or not carriers can have some of the symptoms. The mild symptoms that I read about (heat tolerance, thick mucus, chronic sinus infections) are things that I deal with: May just be a coincidence.

They faxed over the bloodwork request and now Matt has to go and have bloodwork done. I was completely flabbergasted and at a loss. Prior to this I had no real idea of what CF even is. My parents were shocked to find out that I'm a carrier. There's no one in our family that has ever had CF or been tested for being a carrier.

At first I was adamant that he be tested. Then, I became less adamant and more ambivalent. Yes there is a 1 in 4 chance (IF we are both carriers) that a child of ours would have CF; However, that wouldn't stop us from having children. The chances that Matt is a CF carrier are pretty slim. Now I'm to the point that I want Matt to be tested, if only for our own peace of mind (I'm a worrier). Matt hasn't really had too much to say about the whole thing. He's got a lot of other things on his mind.

Matt's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Prayfully everything goes swimmingly. We both have our own set of concerns and issues with the surgery. The bottom line: We're both afraid that the surgery isn't going to solve his pain OR the surgery creates more problems and he's having to have multiple back surgeries for the rest of his life. Hopefully neither of these happen and he feels immediate relief from the surgery and his back becomes strong once again and we don't have to think about this for a very long, LONG time.

Most of yesterday we just putzed around the house: Matt brewed another batch of beer and I worked on a sewing project all day. I'll have to post a picture.

God, Infertility, and Adoption

I opened up my email today, only to find an awesome article in Christianity Today, regarding adoption and the struggles of IF.
Here it is:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2008/001/12.34.html
The Adoption Option
My search for answers to our struggle with infertility led to some surprising revelations about God's plan—especially how infertility and adoption played key roles in Bible history.
By Elliott J. Anderson
I'm a guy who likes answers. I want them now, and I want them fast.
I don't know if some personalities are better suited to dealing with infertility than others, but I do know mine isn't one of them! I'm hyper. Driven. I'm impatient and I'm competitive. Infertility is a masterful opponent, however, and as our time spent trying to conceive a child approached a decade, it was beating me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Something had to change. I hate losing.
My wife, Angie, and I had discussed the idea of adoption for years, both prior to and right after our marriage. But now, when adoption seemed our only recourse, we made the subject off limits. It felt like an act of surrender rather than a choice. Like a consolation prize. Like second place.
As we balanced the delicate walk between grief and hope, I decided that I had to understand the Lord's heart regarding this subject. What did the Bible really teach us about infertility and adoption? How did God use it in the lives of His people? How was He using it in mine?
Sympathizing with AbrahamJacob has always been my favorite Bible hero, so I knew where to start this process. I did some intensive research on the first three generations of Abraham to see how God had knit together barren couples with His call of the chosen people. This study softened my heart. It helped me grieve at a deeper level and prepared me for an amazing journey that was soon to be unveiled.
I sympathized with Abram and the way his confusion grew each time the Lord told him that he would be the father of a multitude of nations. He was to be fruitful beyond comprehension, and yet Sarai just did not conceive. As each month passed without pregnancy, they must have assumed that God was displeased with them, or at best was waiting for them to be worthy of His call. I empathized; Angie and I had battled this same insecurity and conditional reasoning.
After 10 additional years of waiting, complete with a name change for each spouse and a turn-of-the-century birthday for Abraham, then and only then did the Lord fulfill His commitment to this now elderly couple. Isn't it typical of God to wait until He, and He alone, can bring the result? That's the overriding message I received from Abraham and Sarah. And, except for the age differences, a somewhat similar occurrence played out in my own marriage as the Lord brought us four children in the next two years.
Growing patience and trustThe second couple was Abraham's only son, Isaac, and his wife, Rebekah. We know that the covenant promise to Abraham was in jeopardy if Isaac and Rebekah remained barren.
Can you imagine how they felt? The pressure to carry on the covenant of God must have been overwhelming. They probably stayed away from relatives and community functions for years. I can just hear Isaac's friends telling him to leave the field for a couple of weeks and go hunt some game. Or suggesting he just needed to loosen the cloth around his loins for a while. And I can imagine Rebekah's friends telling her to stop worrying so much and to make sure that she tried all the latest conception strategies and positions.
The Bible doesn't give us much detail about their 20-year wait, but we do know that Isaac petitioned God (prayed with urgency) on behalf of Rebekah, and the prayer was eventually answered with the birth of twins, Esau and Jacob. From this story I saw an example of patience and trust that God's ways are the best ways, no matter what. Again, this patriarchal narrative played out in an eerily similar manner in our own story as Angie and I started our family by adopting twin boys, one of which (the younger, of course) we named Jacob.
Accepting the joyThe third couple I studied was Jacob and Rachel. Jacob was blessed with ten sons by his first wife, Leah, and two of the maids, but because Rachel was barren, the couple was neither content nor blessed. And the entire family system was in chaos because of their pain and obsession. Although Rachel did finally get her own sons, the second one cost her everything. She died during Benjamin's birth.
The Lord used the narrative of Jacob, my favorite hero, to challenge my perspective. Would I be so consumed with the desire for a biological child that anything short of our own conception would bring depression and despondency? Would my lack of contentment destroy the gifts of joy and encouragement that He had blessed me with, but which I was starting to withhold and deny?
Unbelievably, after the adoption of our twins, Angie became pregnant for the first time. But the celebration turned into fear and anxiety as Angie became very sick in the third trimester. Pre-eclampsia ravaged her body. Her kidneys started to shut down and her blood pressure soared. At her seven-month check-up she was admitted to the hospital so she could receive around-the-clock care. As we waited for the drugs to prepare both Angie and our baby for a premature birth, Angie's body gave out. One early morning she suffered three quick and progressive hemorrhages as her placenta ripped from the uterine wall.
An emergency C-section brought Alivia into the world with only four minutes to spare before a lack of blood flow would have resulted in long-term brain damage for our baby. Moreover, Angie fully recovered with no additional side effects other than extreme exhaustion. Though we had not planned the pregnancy, I too almost lost my "Rachel" for the child I'd so longed for.
In each of these stories, including our own, the couples eventually celebrated a natural childbirth. Still, I don't think it was the physical element of pregnancy that brought them the most joy. I know it wasn't for us.
When we decided to adopt the boys, Angie and I had already come to terms with our deepest desire. It wasn't biological heirs or blood and gene transference. It was the opportunity to parent, the privilege to raise up a boy or a girl in the ways of the Lord—to share life and dreams with the next generation.
Lessons on deliveranceSo, how does adoption fit into these revelations? With or without a natural childbirth, I was still a changed man. The journey through infertility to adoption had taught me some lessons about answers and deliverance that I think are significant for all families (with or without children, with or without infertility, and with or without adoption).
For one thing, the word choice is important. The Lord chose Israel as His people, His nation. The Lord chose Abraham and Sarah as the initial couple for this covenant; He chose a barren couple as a way to exemplify His power and grace. And then He chose infertility as a major factor in each succeeding generation's spiritual development as He built their dependence and trust in Him and Him alone.
If we believe in God's sovereignty and grace, then we must believe in His timing and His will. We must be able to rest and abide in it. And I think the next couple of generations in the nation of Israel—the chosen people—reveal that need even more intimately.
About 150 years after that original adoption of Abraham and his descendants, the Lord moved His chosen people into slavery. Wow, what a privilege to be chosen by God! Jacob and his family moved to Egypt during the great famine, and that eventually cost them their freedom. The Israelite slavery lasted 430 years.
Isn't that often what infertility feels like? Like a life of slavery to a goal or a land that we can't inhabit on our own? This is why I believe that every couple wrestling with infertility is also wrestling with adoption, even if they don't realize or recognize its influence.
Enter the era of great deliverance. Enter Moses, the chosen leader of the original freedom march. Moses—the adopted son of the enemy king. The Pharaoh of Egypt? What was God thinking? How could He choose to lead His chosen people out of slavery through the deliverance of an adopted Egyptian boy?
Even so, an adopted man led an adopted nation out of slavery and into freedom. Though we may not have recognized that connection before, think of its importance for non-Jewish believers. For the Gentiles. For most of the Christians in the world.
Doesn't, after all, the Davidic line come through another "adopted" figure? Ruth became a God-fearing, God-loving "adopted" Israelite by committing her life to Naomi and the Lord: "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay; Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried" (Ruth 1:16-17). How beautiful. How romantic. What a symbol for all families, regardless of make-up, origin, or heritage. The Messiah, Himself, Jesus Christ was a direct descendant of this Moabite woman. Do I mean that Jesus was not 100 percent pure Jewish blood? I sure do! And wait, there is something even more specific to our barren state.
When God chose Mary to carry and deliver His Son into this world, it put Joseph, her fiancé, in a challenging predicament. He would have to accept the public shame and humiliation of a pregnant fiancée. The "real" father of the baby was unknown by most, and believed by fewer. But Joseph believed Mary, he believed the angel, and he adopted Jesus into his family, teaching Him his carpenter's trade and raising Him as his own son without cowering to public disdain or indignation.
That's right—in a very real, God-ordained way, Jesus was an adopted son.
Adopted by GodTwo central figures of the two testaments of God's Word—of God's plan—are adopted. God used Moses to free the Israelites from Egyptian oppression and He used Jesus to free humankind from sin forever. And all who accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior are also adopted sons and daughters.
Paul summarizes this brief adoption survey through Moses and Jesus: "For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption, as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba! Father!' … and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him" (Rom. 8:14-15, 17, NASB).
There is no doubt that infertility is a difficult, painful issue and can often lead to a season of doubt or despair. But there is also no doubt that adoption is a God-honoring option to consider when the traditional road to parenting goes unanswered. We are not guaranteed the answers that we always want, but we are guaranteed answers that will glorify Christ and allow us to live in a spirit of adoption.
Thank you, Lord, for choosing to include us in your eternal family.

"Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above...."

We got two awesome bits of news today: 1) Matt's surgery has been approved by Workers' Comp and is scheduled for next Tuesday and 2) They say that his check is in the mail (it's been only my income, since Matt went out on disability)! We're really happy that it's been less time than we imagined. Of course, now I'm nervous about the whole having surgery thing.

I just started my next week in my First Place, "Choosing Thankfulness". It always amazes me how relevant the weeks readings are to what is going on in our lives. This weeks topic is "The Privelege of Prayer": How amazing is it to know that our God wants us to pray to Him, to seek Him out and pour out our burdens, and praises, to Him. It went on to discuss Psalm 61 (http://tinyurl.com/252lp4) and David's cry to God to hear his prayers as his heart was growing week, to provide him with a shelter and his desire to remain in God's protection forever. "We can always be thankful, even in the worst circumstances because our Lord has promised to never leave us or forsake us" (pg. 72).

I know for myself, from my own experiences, I rarely seek God in trouble. I desperately pray to Him for help and guidance. However, I'm like a child who stands outside in the middle of the storm screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to help, waiting for someone to come and take me by the hand; knowing that if I would have an ounce of faith and move toward God I would find shelter. I think it's pretty common for us to become dumbfounded and just stand crying, rather than actively seeking God's shelter and burying ourselves in Him.

One of the girls on the nest has been a phenomenal example of seeking God and resting in His shelter. Her and her husband have been through such an emotional ride in the past week, as they were awaiting word on a prospective adoption. It's just amazing to me through the whole thing her faith in God and her peace at His will: While being at peace with God's will doesn't mean we're not heartbroken by it.

I know for myself and for Matt, we're at relative peace with God's will for children in our future. We know that God has a wonderful plan for us, but knowing that His plan will be more wonderful than we could imagine doesn't make it any easier to accept when His plan and our's doesn't coincide. Through it all though he's there. Even when we're disappointed by the variances in the plans, he's still with us and wanting to shelter us and help ease our pain. Of course, we can be angry and saddened by it, as long as we accept that He knows best. We're allowed to experience those emotions, as long as we turn to Him.

“Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway”

Lately I've been feeling guilty about the whole IF thing. That for whatever reason I'm not allowed to hope that this cycle we'll get pregnant, before we go to the RE on Monday. Perhaps it isn't guilt, perhaps it's more fear...fear of disappointment, fear of getting my hopes up, fear that we may go through this whole thing and spend thousands of dollars and still not have a baby.

For whatever reason I also have this complex of feeling that we don't deserve it yet. I see so many other women on the Nest (older and younger), that have been trying longer and have been going through all the difficulties of drugs, testing, etc etc. All of which we haven't gone through. I feel as though we haven't "earned" our chance, because we haven't gone through all of that yet. That we're not "old enough" to deserve our very own BFP, even after TWO YEARS of trying. I know that sounds ridiculous and I don't expect it to make sense to anyone but me.

I keep hoping that Sunday morning comes and I'll be 12dpo and will still have a high temp and will test and get that elusive line. At the same time I feel that if by the grace of God we do get pregnant...are pregnant....that we've been telling a lie: That we really haven't had fertility issues, that we're a fake. Then I think back on all the cycles of getting my period: the anguish of another lost cycle, dealing with insensitive comments, pushy relatives...and I think...we deserve this as much as anyone! We'll go on trying and praying and hoping that we'll soon have a baby of our own in our arms, inspite of it all!

I look at all the couples dealing with IF and think why does a 14 year old get to have a baby, why does a drug addict get to have one...they're certainly not prepared for that gift or deserving of it. Why can't we...who are stable, loving, kind, people...have children. Yes, I believe in God and trust in Him and His plan, but this right here causes a lot of problems for me. How can God give the undeserving this awesome miracle, but not those who deserve it and are more worthy of it?! A whole 'nother set of issues and questions...

I am looking forward to this weekend though. Tomorrow my mom and I are hosting a Tea Party for one of her friends, who just turned 60. Hopefully I'll manage to get the house cleaned tonight and some baking/cooking done. That way tomorrow can just be setting things up and enjoying the day. In the afternoon I think my sister and I are going to see "Sweeney Todd": She's been begging for weeks now. We did find out yesterday afternoon that she got the lead in the high school musical! I'm SO very proud of her: They're doing "Once Upon a Mattress". It's certainly been a long time coming...

"To those who can dream there is no such place as faraway...."

I feel like I have a thousand thoughts in my head, each of them running in a drastically different direction. I can't even comprehend or grasp most of them: It's like trying to grab at a wave on the shore: You think you've got it, but it slips out of grasp, running back to the ocean, laughing at you the whole way...only to come back a few seconds later to tease you with the prospect of another attempt.

That's probably a pretty good analogy of the whole IF saga. Every month we try again, hoping that this time the results will be different. Who knows, maybe some day they will be. It certainly gets exhausting though...month after month of temping and timing, waiting and worrying. The constant emotional rollercoaster and the having to be polite to people who are oblivious.

Coworkers are probably some of the worst. Only one of mine even knows that we are, and have been, trying. Of course, her response is that of most people: "you're trying too hard", "these things take time", and other such "helpful" comments. The rest of my coworkers (mainly men over the age of 55) tell me the old adage: "Just wait till you have kids!" As though it were a threat: Please, curse me with children...curse me to never again be able to sleep in on a Saturday...curse me to have a tight budget because the kids need things...curse me to never have a free moment to myself...curse me to have twins. I'll gladly take all of it. I'll take the stress and hurt and fears that come with being a parent, for the joy and love far outweigh them.

Sunday afternoon I was cleaning our bedroom and I found a book that my mom had given me on some birthday: A Book of Letters to my Daughter. It was just a collection of little stories and quotes about mothers and daughters. I read one...about a father in the service who through a number of different miracles was able to make it home for the birth of his daughter. He and his wife had tried for many years and were told they were out of luck. They had wanted that baby so badly and waited for so long. For the first time...I didn't ball up in hysterical sobs. I shed a few quiet tears and went back to cleaning. Of course, I then felt like a bad person.

I've realized that I've started to become numb to (or at peace with) our IF issues. I don't know if it's having resigned myself to the fact that we may never have children of our own...or accepting that no matter what (whether treatments fail or succeed) we will have children. It's not a choice for us. There is no debating about how far we are willing to go. We will be parents: whether God blesses us with a biological or adopted child. I've never imagined otherwise. I think that's part of why I feel this way. Because I know someday it will be a reality.

I'm trying to focus on other things. With Matt out of work I'm trying to think up different money making schemes...not knowing what will work. I keep debating whether or not I want to attempt to sell some of my quilting/sewing projects as well as photography online. I think the only thing holding me back (besides time constraints to do it) is the fear of failing. Another thought that is flitting in and out of my mind....

I did get one of the placemats for my friend's birthday gift done. I have to finish the rest in time to mail them out by Saturday for her birthday on Tuesday. I think I can...I think I can :-) (there's that optimism!)