“Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway”

Lately I've been feeling guilty about the whole IF thing. That for whatever reason I'm not allowed to hope that this cycle we'll get pregnant, before we go to the RE on Monday. Perhaps it isn't guilt, perhaps it's more fear...fear of disappointment, fear of getting my hopes up, fear that we may go through this whole thing and spend thousands of dollars and still not have a baby.

For whatever reason I also have this complex of feeling that we don't deserve it yet. I see so many other women on the Nest (older and younger), that have been trying longer and have been going through all the difficulties of drugs, testing, etc etc. All of which we haven't gone through. I feel as though we haven't "earned" our chance, because we haven't gone through all of that yet. That we're not "old enough" to deserve our very own BFP, even after TWO YEARS of trying. I know that sounds ridiculous and I don't expect it to make sense to anyone but me.

I keep hoping that Sunday morning comes and I'll be 12dpo and will still have a high temp and will test and get that elusive line. At the same time I feel that if by the grace of God we do get pregnant...are pregnant....that we've been telling a lie: That we really haven't had fertility issues, that we're a fake. Then I think back on all the cycles of getting my period: the anguish of another lost cycle, dealing with insensitive comments, pushy relatives...and I think...we deserve this as much as anyone! We'll go on trying and praying and hoping that we'll soon have a baby of our own in our arms, inspite of it all!

I look at all the couples dealing with IF and think why does a 14 year old get to have a baby, why does a drug addict get to have one...they're certainly not prepared for that gift or deserving of it. Why can't we...who are stable, loving, kind, people...have children. Yes, I believe in God and trust in Him and His plan, but this right here causes a lot of problems for me. How can God give the undeserving this awesome miracle, but not those who deserve it and are more worthy of it?! A whole 'nother set of issues and questions...

I am looking forward to this weekend though. Tomorrow my mom and I are hosting a Tea Party for one of her friends, who just turned 60. Hopefully I'll manage to get the house cleaned tonight and some baking/cooking done. That way tomorrow can just be setting things up and enjoying the day. In the afternoon I think my sister and I are going to see "Sweeney Todd": She's been begging for weeks now. We did find out yesterday afternoon that she got the lead in the high school musical! I'm SO very proud of her: They're doing "Once Upon a Mattress". It's certainly been a long time coming...