Having had a breast reduction 11 years before her birth I knew that my supply may not be substantial. Between that and the sleepless newborn days and the self-doubt of first time mommy-hood I could feel myself slipping into the darkness of depression. I was beating myself up, questioning decisions I had made 11 years earlier; a decision I had never regretted until then.
Of course the next decision, which was and is the right one for me, resulted in another regret: I stopped breastfeeding. I missed it, but didn't miss the self-loathing and doubt. I didn't miss feeling like a horrible person because I'd had a reduction.
Before I found out I was pregnant with 3 babies I had decided to give breastfeeding another, whole-hearted try. I was more secure in myself as a mother and felt more equipped this time to attempt breastfeeding: Then I found out it was 3 babies....hahaha.
I knew there was no way I could supply 3 babies with enough food. I knew once I had 3 babies home {with a 2 year old} I wouldn't have time or energy to breastfeed or pump. My goal was to supply them as much as I could while they were in the NICU, and I did. Once they were all home every day I found less and less time to pump and now, a few days past their due date, I've stopped. In the evenings, if someone is fussing, I'll nurse them with what little milk I have left.
I love nursing, I love the closeness and time together. It's funny, all 4 of my babies have been wonderful nursers , all latching perfectly, and yet, I don't have much to give them.
Next time I'm hoping, next time I really want to see what I can do, what my body can do. I've been so incredibly amazed by the things my body has been able to do over the past few years with pregnancy and delivery of healthy, beautiful babies. I really want to see what it can do with breastfeeding.
