Double Ds

Double Digits: 99 Days before my due date!

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to Rochester for my 2nd cousin's bridal shower...We see them maybe once a year. And, for some reason I feel like I'm being tossed to the lions.

In spite of 3 years of trying and being 26 weeks (tomorrow) I still feel like the unfortunate teenager who got knocked up, isn't married, and has everyone whispering behind their back (never mind that I'm 27 on Tuesday, have been married almost 4 years, work, own my own house, and have been with Matt for almost 10 years!). On top of that I have a really hard time with people congratulating me or trying to talk to me about my being pregnant: That may be entirely weird, I don't know.

I had someone that I talk to on the phone for work call today and she congratulated me on being pregnant, my first reaction was to mumble a thanks and change the topic fast. I hate that I'm THAT uncomfortable with people congratulating me and with people talking about my being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am over the moon to be having a baby, but I'm still not believing this and still thinking that it's not real.

3 years ago, if I was pregnant with a little girl, I'd be blowing up the credit cards and emptying our bank account buying things. I haven't bought 1 thing. I think I'm afraid that it will make it too real, and then something will happen, or that buying things in the store without a baby at my side is me "posing" as having one.

The further and further I get along in this pregnancy the less real it is seeming. I keep looking at belly pictures of other women, the same week as me, and my belly looks so tiny compared to them (other people comment to me on how tiny I am). Yea, sometimes by night I have a definite belly, but for the rest of the day I could seriously hide it, I even find myself sucking in my stomach: I'm 26 weeks and I just feel like this should be more real, that I should be showing more; and that if I let myself believe this IS real, something is going to happen...so better to keep hiding it. I'm having some issues.

I wish I could just enjoy this, being pregnant, without all these other emotions that have me in a thousand different mind-sets.