I'm doing all right. My anxiety "attacks" are more and more frequent and aren't going away. I'm sure it's related to pregnancy. There are just so many things I'm anxious about, and so many different emotions going through my head. Am I happy that we're pregnant: Yea.
I was emailing with a fellow IF blogger and said that I'm really just kind of blase. I know that a BFP and heartbeat doesn't mean a baby. I feel absolutely no attachment to this child, and, as horrible as it may sound, if I were to miscarry I don't think I'd be heartbroken. I don't even think I'll feel anything toward it until I'm 1/2 way through the pregnancy and can feel the baby. I know that sounds horrible, but I guess that's what 3 years of IF does to you.
Other than emotions and anxiety...I'm doing all right. Some nausea, always hungry, tired, but none of these are really making me convinced that I'm pregnant. I do notice that it is worse at night. I've had quite a bit of pain in my lower back and hips. Friday I got home from work and just laid on the wood floor for 20 minutes. From what I've read, this is normal and caused by additional blood flow to my uterus...sure.
I guess part of my lack of emotion about this pregnancy is that I don't FEEL pregnant. We'll just have to wait and see. Our next ultrasound is this Thursday, if all is good I'll call and schedule our first OB appt.
I told my massage therapist at my last appt: Oh my goodness! I think she was more excited than I am; she was seriously jumping up and down and hugging me. I tried to explain a bit of our troubles, that it did take us 3 years and numerous doctors appts to make it to this point, but I don't think she was comprehending it, especially after she said "now that you got pregnant once, you'll have a hard time not being pregnant". Umm, yeah, that won't happen for us.
She was all excited because we could get started on a nursery...I told her that the nursery is already done, and explained that we had started the adoption process and being that we've been trying for 3 years it gave us something to do, and that after this baby is born we're going to continue the adoption process. I then got the "You're still going to adopt? Even after having your own?" Yea, we are, I'm actually kind of sad that we're postponing til 2010. I guess I'm just so used to dealing with the IF community and having people understand and "get" everything, that when someone doesn't get it, it really frustrates me.
I haven't taken and belly pictures, because there really isn't a belly, just me. I did wear my bella band last night with jeans...they just weren't comfy from bloat, I must say, I love that thing! It's awesome! On to telling Matt's parents. His mom got home from Mexico last night, but his dad doesn't get home until the 22nd. So we have to keep quiet until then.
9 comments:
I wish I had a magic wand I could wave for you. Hang in there. I hope much peace comes your way soon.
Hey, what happened with the job?
I'm planning on telling my boss on Thursday, after our next ultrasound. I'm ridiculously nervous.
Sorry you are feeling so blase. I think after all you have gone through it may take awhile for it all to sink in. Not feeling pregnant must be difficult. But believe me you may not want to feel too pregnant :) Good luck at the ultrasound. The farther you get the more it looks like a baby and that really is helpful
Sorry you are in the dumps.. I hope it passes soon.
((HUGS))
I don't think you should be that worried. A old co-worker of mine said that it didn't feel real to her until she saw her 20 week sonogram. Even after hearing the heartbeat. I hope this passes for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
This baby (the two-month-old sleeping in the next room) didn't feel real to me until we had taken him home from the hospital....
I wish I could say the words you'd believe so you know it'll be okay.
Good luck with your ultrasound.
I can relate, Jess. It's not feeling real to me yet either, despite feeling nauseous all the time and completely exhausted and unable to remember the smallest things. Or the biggest things. Despite my bizarre food cravings (tartar sauce, anyone?) and feeling completely different than I've ever felt in my life.
So I'm thinking it just takes some time for it all to sink in. Thanks for being so honest here - helps me feel not so weird.
And I read a really good quote in a book the other day. It said: "Worry is the work of pregnancy." And it just struck me as so true. It may be hard, but it's normal, and what's more, useful, cause it helps us work through our feelings and concerns and prepares us for what's to come.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, always.
It really is sort of hard in the beginning 1)because you don't really feel pregnant and 2)after so much disappointment it is hard to believe you will end up with baby. I know exactly where you are!
I also worry about not having an id consent on our donor, but hopefully it won't matter in the end. If it becomes an issue I just hope my children can respect the choices we made and we'll do the best to nurture them!
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