Isaiah 40: 29-31

"He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."

I recently bought this book "Longing for a Child: Devotions of Hope for Your Journey Through Infertility"by Kathe Wunnenberg. (CBD.com has it for $2.99, it's $6.98 with shipping). I bought it at the beginning of this cycle and flipped through it a couple of times. I like how it's set up; they are different devotions and readings for the different emotions of infertility. It also has a section with prayers and verses for specific events (mother's day, father's day, baby showers, holidays etc).

This morning I tested. One of the things I wish infertility could be is black and white...none of this waffling back and forth and not know what is "real". I also took a test last Sunday (8dp-iui). Last Sunday's had a line, faint, but there...most likely it was still the trigger. My body seems to respond differently to it each cycle (last time it was out after 4 days).

As you all know I've felt nothing this cycle. I've had no response to the prometrium, no symptoms, no nothing...I feel completely normal and my jeans still fit, comfortably.

I tested this morning and it was stark white. I went back to bed and got up 10-15 minutes later because I hadn't dumped my pee cup. Of course one has to look at a stark white negative pregnancy test repeatedly and from different angles and in different lighting (I think it's some kind of sick obsession). I'm not even sure if what I see is really there, or if it's me hallucinating. There is, I think, a line ever so faint...that you can only see it from a certain angle under a certain light. Could it be an evap line? Most likely.

Before I had gotten out of bed the second time I was just laying there, wanting to cry, but not able to. I don't know what to do next: Do I start the adoption stuff? How are we going to get an ID consent form notarized in our small town without someone saying something? Why are we even having to deal with this? It's not fair? Are we ever going to be parents? Is a 2009 baby even in the cards for us? Is a 2010? Should we even be bothering to look at the Toyota Siennas? North Carolina's going to suck? Will I ever be a mommy? Should I email BCS and ask that they send us the preliminary application? WHY? WHY? WHY?

After getting up and "seeing" a "line" I went back to bed...and read the devotion (with the above verse) about "facing dreaded news". It talked about asking God to calm us. He can calm the storm, but sometimes we have to go through the storm and we need to, more importantly, calm ourselves and accept his plan and purpose. I have a hard time with that: Accepting things I don't understand, especially when there is so much pain associated with it.

For the past 36 cycles I have been prepared each month to tell Matt. This month is no different, except it's Valentine's day tomorrow. "Seeing" that "line" does something terrible to me: It gives me hope, and I'm afraid. What if that hope is just a figment of my imagination? What if I get my hopes up for this possibility? I know other people test on 13dp and get a resounding positive. Here I sit....wondering.

I know there is no possible reason why this cycle could work: They're were only 8 million motile sperm...that's not a very good number. The realization of that is countered by the fact that I did the ovidrel trigger my way, so I very well could have ovulated soon enough for 1 of those 8 million to find an egg or two. I hate this.

Now, do I test again tomorrow morning (before we go spend the day with family) or do I just wait until the phone call from my beta on Monday. Most likely, knowing me, I'll test again tomorrow and then I will probably cry.



I think I only added these pictures to torment myself the whole day (these were taken 1hr 20 minutes after original testing).