My Little Mess

Last night I was lying in bed, having a really hard time falling asleep. I just kept thinking about how we survive the day, every one goes to bed, and then I feel like I’ve spent nothing of quality with any of the kids. I think back about how much time Ave and I spent on the floor in her room, working on getting her to roll; How we would go outside and do things. 

We don’t do things now. We can’t do things now.

I feel like I’m parenting Ave, since she’s the 2 year old who needs constant direction and attention, while just giving Henry, James and Ellie what they need to survive. And at the same time feeling like Ave gets the leftovers of my attention and patience. Vicious cycle!

I do spend time with each of the babies: looking at them, laughing with them, playing with them, but it never feels like what I do is enough. We get to the end of the day and that’s it. I’m so grateful we made it through, then 30 minutes after everyone is in bed, I’m missing them all and wishing I could spend more quality time with them.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, but once night comes and the quiet falls on my ears I feel like “I could’ve done more, been more”. In all honesty, I don’t know if I could…there are only so many hours in the day.

I have 4 children, all 4 of which require massive amounts of attention from me, plus a home to run {cleaning, bills, upkeep, etc etc.}

I know this summer is going to be hard. I can already feel it in my bones. I long to be out of doors, to be outside in the sun, working in the dirt, mowing the yard, swimming, running with Ave. All winter it was easy to be in a house with 4 kids, there was nothing else to do.

Now….now there is life to be lived and I know it’s going to be rough.

I just can’t open the back door and let everyone run. I have to orchestra when Ave can go outside, depending on what the babies are doing or needing, whether they’re sleeping or crying. Her play time has to end when someone is fussing and we need to go back inside, even if only for a moment.

Next summer will be different. Henry, James and Elanor will be 1 1/2, Ave will be 3 1/2 and we’ll be able to be outside…they’ll be able to toddle around the yard, go on the slide, play in the dirt alongside me, run around with each other tiring themselves out.

But right now I struggle. I struggle with the fact that we had people here working on the house yesterday and I didn’t want to leave the babies alone in the house, with strangers, while taking Ave in the yard for 15 minutes…so we sat on the couch and watched TV almost ALL.DAY.LONG!

Oh yea…there’s definitely some mommy guilt around here. BUT I know this is just a season {literally}, soon my babies won’t be babies anymore and they’ll be big boys and girl, just like their big sister…and then I’ll be sad.