We've been having a really rough time with Ave...she is most certainly TWO! The big struggle, I think, comes from the fact that she misses me, on top of that when she's at my ILs they pretty much let her control and dictate everything, I think, because it's easier for them that way (they're not too old or anything, they just want to continue doing what they want to do, rather than be bothered with disciplining the 2 year old when she throws a fit).
Tuesday was tough. Matt was home most of the day and we both were constantly on Ave. She kept getting into things she knows she's not allowed to do, or not listening, throwing fits, and just generally having major meltdowns about little things. Every thing from the past few months of my only being able to do so much, just seems to be coming to a major head with her, and I'm desperately frightened that it's only going to get worse.
Now with the prospect of James, then Henry, and Ellie, coming home just scares the bejeezers out of me. I feel like a failure before I've even started. I feel like I'm the worst mom in the world because I can't even handle one 2 year old, let alone 3 newborns that each need to be fed every 3 hours. I just keep feeling more and more overwhelmed...especially figuring out where I'm supposed to be with newborns at home and in the NICU.
Then this morning on the radio a song came on, by Matthew West, called "Strong Enough":
You must, You must think I’m strongThe Lord always seems to know just what I need to hear, and when...funny how that works. After that song came another one titled "Do Everything" by Stephen Curtis Chapman:
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us
Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
That’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
Your picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time todayThat God is a pretty smart One isn't he?
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door
While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you,
Cause he made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
Satan has been pounding me these past few days, and Matt, we're both just feeling completely and utterly discouraged, both with our ability to handle what lies ahead, as well as our ability to not question our parenting skills.
I know that a lot of you have expressed that if anyone can handle having four kids 2 and under it's me....I certainly hope you're right :-P and I definitely appreciate your faith in me, because I know my faith in me is at an all time low.
So, while I begin to figure out life with a slew of little ones, all with their own demands and needs, while trying to maintain some semblance of sanity and order, I'm trying to not let Satan get to me with his lies and discouragement, and just trust in the Lord to provide for all of us and give us what we need to not only survive, but hopefully thrive in the time ahead.
5 comments:
I have a lot of confidence in you. You did a great job carrying those babies and even if you are stretched between newborns and home and the NICU, it hopefully won't last too long.
These twos are difficult and I can definitely see them coming out in Michael. Keep it up with Ave. She's figuring out her boundaries. She may be able to get away with that stuff with the grandparents, but she'll get the picture that it won't work with you. Make sure to give her lots of reassurance and show her love and you'll get through it.
It's going to be tough. I hope that help comes through. You are strong. I am a firm believer that God only gives you as much as you can handle, so if it starts to feel like too much, look around and make sure that he's not helping you out in a way that you've missed.
I'm sorry you are feeling so discouraged. And I'm sure it's normal to feel that way when you have 4 kids to care for, who ALL need you. I love the words in those songs. I think it's God's gentle way of telling you that He's going to be there every step of the way!
It's totally normal to wonder how it's going to work and you'll definitely have your difficult days, but you will be just fine. You have so much faith, you take everything in stride, you have a great can-do attitude, tons of patience, and you manage to stay calm in chaos.
I hear you on the 2's. I've had to be gone quite a bit at night for work over the last few months, and at first I thought it was normal 2 stuff, but I've realized my absence at night has caused some of the behavior issues. Definitely make special time for Ave when it's just the two of you (easier said than done, I know). We've made it so morning time is my special time with Miss M, and it's definitely made a difference. Also, will ladies from your church come over and take turns feeding babies, changing diapers, etc. I'll bet you've got some retired women in town who'd love nothing better than to be asked to come love a newborn. Even a few hours a day in the early days will make a big difference for you, no doubt. Might also mean putting up with listening to advice you neither need nor want, but at least you'd have time for a shower!
Can't wait to hear the update on babies coming home. You will look back on these days and won't imagine how you managed it, but just take the insanity day by day (or hour by hour if you need to), and you'll get through these early days just fine.
Jess it's going to be hard, there's really no question about that. But you can do this. One minute at a time, one day at a time.
You can do this. You are all in my prayers.
Bless her. She's not acting up because she's been with the ILs. Kids know very early on what behaviour is acceptable with different people. She's acting up like any two year old would if one new baby took Mummy and Daddy's attention off them and on one new baby. She's just trying to let you know she is the most important thing in your universe. It is very tough for her, not one baby but 3, not at home but even worse taking you out of home so much of the time. It's not Satan, it's NORMAL! She will just take time readjusting to her family (her whole world) changing and needs love to get her through it. Life is tough when you are two and not being in control of your own emotions anyway, can you imagine?
And you are NOT a failure, just someone who will have to do the best you can for the next few weeks and months until it all settles down. Never forget that you had far more hormones than in an average pregnancy running through our body. We all feel inadequate with a new baby and a toddler. You have all that in shedloads. Stop judging yourself. Nothing has to be perfect, just GOOD ENOUGH.
With love,
Sally
x
Post a Comment