Breastfeeding for Three

After Ave was born I attempted breastfeeding; I say "attempted" because it wasn't too successful and didn't last too long. The reason being I was paranoid that she was going to starve to death.

Having had a breast reduction 11 years before her birth I knew that my supply may not be substantial. Between that and the sleepless newborn days and the self-doubt of first time mommy-hood I could feel myself slipping into the darkness of depression. I was beating myself up, questioning decisions I had made 11 years earlier; a decision I had never regretted until then.

Of course the next decision, which was and is the right one for me, resulted in another regret: I stopped breastfeeding. I missed it, but didn't miss the self-loathing and doubt. I didn't miss feeling like a horrible person because I'd had a reduction.

Before I found out I was pregnant with 3 babies I had decided to give breastfeeding another, whole-hearted try. I was more secure in myself as a mother and felt more equipped this time to attempt breastfeeding: Then I found out it was 3 babies....hahaha.

I knew there was no way I could supply 3 babies with enough food. I knew once I had 3 babies home {with a 2 year old} I wouldn't have time or energy to breastfeed or pump. My goal was to supply them as much as I could while they were in the NICU, and I did. Once they were all home every day I found less and less time to pump and now, a few days past their due date, I've stopped. In the evenings, if someone is fussing, I'll nurse them with what little milk I have left.

I love nursing, I love the closeness and time together. It's funny, all 4 of my babies have been wonderful nursers , all latching perfectly, and yet, I don't have much to give them.

Next time I'm hoping, next time I really want to see what I can do, what my body can do. I've been so incredibly amazed by the things my body has been able to do over the past few years with pregnancy and delivery of healthy, beautiful babies. I really want to see what it can do with breastfeeding.

6 Weeks Post Partum Checkup

Nothing at all exciting: My tears are healed and all looks good. I've been cleared to resume "normal activities", which have been resumed for quite sometime now. I don't think I ever stopped doing "normal" for me, even se.x was resumed at 4 weeks pp.

That was something I was stressing about, but hadn't given much thought to...then it just happened. I think that was the key...that I didn't sit there obsessing and completely concerned about whether it would hurt or not or what to do or not do.

I think I'm pretty much done with the pumping. I'm only getting a 1/2oz a session, so an 1-1.5 oz a day. I'm trying not to think about it too much, because when I do I start to feel really bad and guilty about it...so better not to.

Part of me is pissed at myself for not trying harder, another part feels bad because I can't/don't dedicate the time I should to pumping, and another part that tells me to cut myself some slack...that if A was adopted she'd be getting only formula and that there are other moms out there who never breastfed. And there's NOTHING WRONG with formula (other than the cost).

Of course there was an inevitable part of the conversation that I was hoping to avoid (since I've mentioned enough times it isn't an issue): Post partum birth control. Not necessary. The one nurse asked me if I'd had a tubal...umm no, read my file.

Not that we haven't started thinking about #2, we have, but given our issues I don't think we have to worry. And, if by the grace of God I were to get knocked up right now I would certainly not complain.

That's right, we've already started "negotiations" about #2. If things are going well come the end of the summer (with the store and everything else) then we'll be TTC #2 in August/September. We've always wanted the kids closer in age (ex. when A is 6, the 2nd is 4-5, the 3rd is 1-2 and the 4th on the way...or however the chips fall with adopting).

However, I'm having issues with even considering #2 and only because of IF. I feel like how dare I even consider #2 when there are so many of my friends who are still struggling for #1. I hate infertility.

First Night

We survived! I was seriously concerned that something was going to happen in the night. There wasn't much sleep though...

I seem to be having engorgement issues...particularly on the right side (which had surgery twice). I talked to my mom and we both think that perhaps the 2nd surgery (or 1st) compressed some ducts...there's a lot of milk there, but no matter the method of trying to get it out (express, nursing, pumping etc)....it only comes out in droplets and nothing major. I spent about 3 hours last night massaging, showering, expressing and icing...trying to get the swelling to go down.

Avelyn was good through the night...we were up a couple of times...Matt slept quite a bit...I managed to get some sleep in the morning once my boob issues were lessened.

We'll see how it continues....

BFAR ~ Breast Feeding After Reduction

I posted a while ago about my breast reduction surgery, in which I briefly discussed breast feeding after reduction (aka BFAR). I've been reading a book entitled "Defining your own success: Breastfeeding After Breast Reduction Surgery", by Diana West. It's definitely not a page turner or an exciting read, some parts of it actually piss me off.

What I have found interesting about it is the explanation of how the breasts work to produce milk and transport it from the ducts/glands to your baby; something I'm sure most breast feeding books discuss. One thing that I absolutely can not stand in this book is the brow-beating about how you "must breastfeed".

Matt and I have pretty much decided that if I can breast feed, GREAT!, if I can't then we'll do formula. Both of us feel like there is absolutely nothing to be gained if both baby and I are miserable and struggling with breastfeeding (of course there is going to be the issue of my MIL - but Matt already has said he'll deal with her).

In this book there are stories of different women, some who have successfully exclusively breastfed their children, and some of woman who put themselves through torture for months, just so that they could feed their baby minuscule (some of them could only get a 1/2 oz) amounts of breast milk.

The book recommends hooking yourself up to a pump for hours on end, to stimulate and increase your supply...which is all well and good, but if there's only so many ducts/glands that are working and attached, there's only going to be so much milk, no matter how much you pump...never mind the fact that your nipples are being constantly sucked (either by baby or machine) and if you're hooked up to a pump for 20 hours a day, when do you get anything else gone?!

Have I learned a lot so far from this book: Yes. Have they somewhat offended me, that if I don't torture myself to breastfeed that I'm a bad mother: Yes. I understand and appreciate all of the benefits to breastfeeding, but if I can't, I can't, that's the bottom line.

That being said: All of my pregnancy books were going on and on about expressing colostrum any time after 16 weeks. That wasn't happening for me. The other night (here's the TMI) I was getting ready to take a shower and thought I'd give it a squeeze....low and behold a few drops of colostrum came right out...and surprisingly it was from my right breast on which I had surgery twice. I tried the left and got some too, but not as much. Again, we'll just have to wait and see...