"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Rom 8:28

*I'm still not sure how I am feeling about this cycle. I guess my overall feeling is that it didn't work...I don't feel pregnant. Plus the on and off light spotting makes me think that it's just AF trying to come...even though she would be way early, she's not even due until the 16th. I'm trying to maintain faith and that this did work, but I think I'm failing miserably.

I am feeling really strongly about adoption though. It's been on my mind since our last failed cycle and it's been growing stronger ever since. Matt, of course, doesn't want to discuss anything until after my BETA.

*Another thought as to our future. We kept toying with the idea of taking Matt's parents up on their offer....it's probably not going to happen and we're not making any commitments to buy it right now. We'll see what things are like in a few years.

I think what we have decided on is staying in our house indefinitely. I was talking to my parents the other day about expenses and our needing to repair the foundation, but not wanting to do that until we decide if we're going to make the house bigger. They told me what they pay in home owner's insurance and taxes, a month, and I almost had a heart-attack! They own half the amount of property that Matt's parents have. Put it this way....just their home owner's insurance is what our current mortgage is a month.

We hadn't even given those costs a thought when toying with the "buying the ILs'" idea: I can say with 96% certainty we will not be buying their house. Here's what we are thinking of...staying in our house, applying for a home improvement grant (covers structural and weatherization and other things) through the county, if we get it then we would put that money toward repairing the foundation, updating the heating system, and making the back of the house larger.

The other thing in our favor is in September our grant that we originally received to buy our house comes up...and I don't think we'll owe any of it back. If that's the case, we could get a great deal with a home equity loan on our house to help with the repair costs.

This is all just still in the fantasy stage, but you gotta start somewhere.

*My parents' church burned down. They started going there when I was 16 and (after a bunch of issues) started going somewhere else a few months ago. I heard the fire alarm go off at 3:30am and then my mom called me this morning.

From what information we've gathered some one broke in, opened up all of the gas lines (in the heating and stoves I assume) and lit a match. The whole church and the rectory are gone....it's so sad. Fortunately no one was hurt, as the pastor's family didn't live in the rectory (they live a few houses down).

If it had to happen to some church, it couldn't have happened to a better one: They're big, they have an active and powerful church family, and they've been planning on expanding. If any church can recover from this, they can. I know our church couldn't....if such a thing happened to us, that would be the end of us.

*I think that's everything. In just 60 hours I'll be finding out the BETA results.

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;" ~ Ps 18.1-2

I haven't tested yet. It's not because I have such wonderful self control, but because I am scared to near-death that it is going to be negative. Even though I know it won't be the end of the world. I am scared to see only one line on that test.

Matt and I deliberated last night (we both feel the same about testing) and I think I am going to test before we drive the two hours to the RE on Thursday morning. It's just hard to believe that this could have worked...the first time...just one shot.

Two years ago I bought a book for Matt: The Expectant Father. It's been sitting in my nightstand ever since, just waiting to give it to him, it's still in the original shipping envelope, along with a card that I bought for him, "To the daddy to be". I never thought it would be sitting there over 2 years later.

In the mean time I am over analyzing every little thing. I've had continual cramping which seems to move throughout my lower abdomen and fluctuate in it's intensity. I'm peeing almost every 1-2 hours and I'm tired.

I'm still chalking it up to the progest.erone. Which, don't get me started on that! The rest is way TMI and if you don't read on I COMPLETELY understand.
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These suppositories are disgusting! I think I'd rather do the PIO shots. I wake up in the morning and the crotch of my pjs are SOAKED! It looks like I wet myself. Supposedly the suppositories are progesterone suspended in gel...well the whole thing doesn't get absorbed, just the progesterone and then the water/gel is left to drain out. It's disgusting.

The other thing with these is yeast infections. I have chronic yeast infections and continually battle them through a holistic regimine of mega acidophilus.

Saturday night I felt very itchy and uncomfortable (still do today), after thoroughly washing my hands I put my finger up inside and I felt this goopy lump. I pull my finger out and it's this huge lump (the size of a large cotton ball) of nastiness...it's off-white, green-ish-blue, and slightly yellow. While I don't think it's a yeast infection I'm sure it's some other kind of infection: LOVELY!