Internal Struggle

I've been struggling with something. Every once in a while it shows up at my door...I embrace it, then it slowly begins to fade, then I once again become complacent until it knocks at my door again. It's God.

With everything going on with my sister (which is still going on) one thing has become profoundly obvious through it all: A lack of Christ in our lives. Yes, we've allowed him to be there, but we haven't allowed him to do what he wants, what needs, to be done. This goes back many, many, many years. In my parents' own upbringings and in how they raised my brother, sister and myself.

All of our issues as a family, my brother and my relationship, everyone's relationship with my sister, my sister's issues, my parents' issues in their life/relationships, my sister and brother's confusion about God....all of it is because we have not put Him first in our lives.

One of my mom's good friends has been an invaluable resource and sounding board for everything that is going on, and has been going on, in our lives. Showing us proof after proof, evidence after evidence, that it is our own selfish ways which have caused this breaking in our family and in our lives. Sometimes we need to fall to the bottom before we can fall to our knees.

Through our infertility battle I struggled with God. Sometimes I relied on Him more willing, giving it all to him. The cycle that we let God and let go was the cycle that brought us our daughter. But, I don't know if you've noticed it, I have, there are few of my posts anymore glorifying Him and his work or calling on Him in our pain and desperation.

So, I now stand before you confessing that I have been selfish, that I haven't been putting Christ first, that I've been trying to control and manage my life on my own....and it's not working. It never will work that way.

But I'm also confessing that I'm embarrassed to be one of "those" Christians. One of those who wear God on their sleeve and praise Him in everything. I'm not even sure why, but I am. I worry that I will be exposed as a pretender, that I don't trust all to Him.

My mother has changed immensely with the guidance of her friend, through all of these issues with my sister. When she's talking about God and his place in her life and in our family and letting go, I become uncomfortable, particularly when she starts crying tears of joy. That is my own sin.

The question is: How do I go about changing? Obviously through Christ, but how. I've asked God to come into my life more times than I can count...and for a while (days/weeks) it's wonderful, but then something happens with me and I try to put Him in a nice neat box on a shelf. It obviously hasn't worked for the past 28 years and I need to do something different.

I don't want to be one of those showy over the top Christians, I don't want to be someone that others view as a hypocritical Christian: I want to be for Christ, but how? Lord, I know I need you in my life and to stop trying to compartmentalize something that can't be. I need to grow in your wisdom and love, not only for myself, but for my husband and children, for You. Help me.