One month from today is my due date: Holy COW! As of Saturday I'll be 36 weeks and there's only 28 days left! I'm kind of starting to freak out a bit, in a bunch of different ways.
1) There's still all these little things that need to be done: Finish the room, install the car seat, get the car seat inspected, make sure we have all the things we're going to need, contact list of people to call, hospital bags, music/cameras etc for the delivery room, schedule care for our dogs, who's going to be in the room with us, when will people come in, finish reading our delivery books, start reading about the vaccines and decide on those, clean the house, order the pack n play, get the cosleeper set up, we still need sheets for both, and about a 1000 things more I honestly can't think of or about because they start giving me an anxiety attack.
2) Am I going to be able to do this? Push a baby out of my crotch without drugs? What if I can't? What if something goes wrong? What if I need drugs? Will I feel like a loser since I went that path? I have moments when I feel entirely pumped and that I WILL be able to do this...it will be hard, but I'm strong and able to do this, then I have moments when I think "Can't someone just hand me a baby so I don't have to do this?! Because what if I can't?"
3) Am I going to be able to breast feed? Should we rent a pump from the hospital? Should we have a can of formula on hand in case we need to supplement? Should I order the LactAid at breast supplementer? Do I have enough bottles here if we need to do formula?
4) Is everything ok with her? I feel like I'm back in the beginning of this pregnancy: Checking her heart rate, pushing to get her to kick so I know she's ok. What if she's too small? I haven't gained much weight? What if there's something wrong with her health wise and it's because I haven't gained much weight?
1) There's still all these little things that need to be done: Finish the room, install the car seat, get the car seat inspected, make sure we have all the things we're going to need, contact list of people to call, hospital bags, music/cameras etc for the delivery room, schedule care for our dogs, who's going to be in the room with us, when will people come in, finish reading our delivery books, start reading about the vaccines and decide on those, clean the house, order the pack n play, get the cosleeper set up, we still need sheets for both, and about a 1000 things more I honestly can't think of or about because they start giving me an anxiety attack.
2) Am I going to be able to do this? Push a baby out of my crotch without drugs? What if I can't? What if something goes wrong? What if I need drugs? Will I feel like a loser since I went that path? I have moments when I feel entirely pumped and that I WILL be able to do this...it will be hard, but I'm strong and able to do this, then I have moments when I think "Can't someone just hand me a baby so I don't have to do this?! Because what if I can't?"
3) Am I going to be able to breast feed? Should we rent a pump from the hospital? Should we have a can of formula on hand in case we need to supplement? Should I order the LactAid at breast supplementer? Do I have enough bottles here if we need to do formula?
4) Is everything ok with her? I feel like I'm back in the beginning of this pregnancy: Checking her heart rate, pushing to get her to kick so I know she's ok. What if she's too small? I haven't gained much weight? What if there's something wrong with her health wise and it's because I haven't gained much weight?
5) I thought I had 9 months to decide about work....now we probably have about 9 weeks to decide. We still have to find health insurance: How are we going to pay for it (we do have about 3 months of insurance premiums saved up)? How do I tell work I'm not coming back? When do I tell work I'm not coming back (especially since we really don't know for sure yet)?
6) We're going to be solely responsible for this little person! Who are we to be having a kid? What do we know about this? Uhhh...I have some experience, but not enough to shake a stick at. What if we entirely screw this up?
7) Is this real? Or is this some sick joke. Am I really not pregnant (in spite of my growing belly, the heart rate, the ultrasounds, the doctor appts, feeling her kick and move etc etc)? What if I'm not an people have been playing us: How am I going to explain THAT to people?
8) Is there something wrong with me? I haven't gained much weight (I've actually lost 3lbs in the past 2 weeks); I haven't had an Braxton Hicks. Is my body doing what it should to prepare for delivery? What if delivery is just some arbitrary thing and it isn't going to happen at all? What if I have to be induced/c-section? Will I even know when/what contractions are?
9) Am I the only one who isn't anxious for her to be born? I'm seriously dreading sharing her with the rest of the world (except Matt). I don't want anyone else seeing her or holding her, she's OUR'S DAMMIT! I'm having major separation anxiety about her not being in my body where I can protect her and keep her safe.
6) We're going to be solely responsible for this little person! Who are we to be having a kid? What do we know about this? Uhhh...I have some experience, but not enough to shake a stick at. What if we entirely screw this up?
7) Is this real? Or is this some sick joke. Am I really not pregnant (in spite of my growing belly, the heart rate, the ultrasounds, the doctor appts, feeling her kick and move etc etc)? What if I'm not an people have been playing us: How am I going to explain THAT to people?
8) Is there something wrong with me? I haven't gained much weight (I've actually lost 3lbs in the past 2 weeks); I haven't had an Braxton Hicks. Is my body doing what it should to prepare for delivery? What if delivery is just some arbitrary thing and it isn't going to happen at all? What if I have to be induced/c-section? Will I even know when/what contractions are?
9) Am I the only one who isn't anxious for her to be born? I'm seriously dreading sharing her with the rest of the world (except Matt). I don't want anyone else seeing her or holding her, she's OUR'S DAMMIT! I'm having major separation anxiety about her not being in my body where I can protect her and keep her safe.
10) What if I have major depression issues (a possibility for me) after she's born, because: I didn't get the delivery I want, I can't breastfeed, she's a difficult baby, or any of a thousand other issues.
Then I tell my mind to SHUT UP! To stop putting all these doubts, worries, and fears in my head. And I know that whatever will be, will be, and it will all be all right and there's nothing I can change about anything that happens...it's not in my hands or Matt's or the doctor's. It's entirely in God's hands...he's led us this far. Through 3 years of infertility, being told Matt and I will never have a child together, Matt's back problems, BIL and PP having a whoops pregnancy before we ever got pregnant.
We got through it all and we will get through everything ahead: Will it be easy? Not always, but we'll do it together...with God.
Then I tell my mind to SHUT UP! To stop putting all these doubts, worries, and fears in my head. And I know that whatever will be, will be, and it will all be all right and there's nothing I can change about anything that happens...it's not in my hands or Matt's or the doctor's. It's entirely in God's hands...he's led us this far. Through 3 years of infertility, being told Matt and I will never have a child together, Matt's back problems, BIL and PP having a whoops pregnancy before we ever got pregnant.
We got through it all and we will get through everything ahead: Will it be easy? Not always, but we'll do it together...with God.
6 comments:
I love you. Breathe. Go read the birth story on the Bradley website - I find it calming. What you want is for you and Avelyn to be healthy. You'll do what you can do and if it turns out that you do need drugs or a c-section, when it's time for that, it will be ok, because getting you both through this process is the most important thing. Yes, your body is designed to birth a baby, sometimes, however, we all need help, and that is OK.
You are doing so well, Jess! I am so proud of you!
Yes, as time runs out, it is hard not to worry and feel overwhelmed. We may have some different worries but I can definitely relate.
Hang in there - you will do brilliantly and you will struggle (and so will I), but everything will unfold as it should and you will definitely get through it.
As an OB nurse for 30 years I can say what you're feeling/thinking is normal. Try not to dwell on the things you have no control over - I know, easier said than done. One suggestion - if one is available talk to a lactation consultant. Most hospital OB depts. have LCs available for new moms and 'almost' new moms. Good luck.
Hi! One of these days I'll get around to being a registered member. Jennifer in MN here. congrats on being so close! One of the best things I ever did was to NOT read stories about birth and how it should/shouldn't go. So when I went in to have my son it was all slightly a mystery and I had no expectations whatsoever. Now I can watch/read about other labor and deliveries ... but before my own I just couldn't. I also feel that the books I had covered so much of the 'worst case scnario' stuff that it drove me nuts. More things to worry about!
Hang in there, take care of yourself. You will do great!
Happy 36 weeks!
Everything you are feeling is normal. Still overwhelming, but totally normal.
Most hospitals give you a little goody bag after birth, including a small can of formula.
It's almost time!
This is all normal!
I think the best way to go into labor is to keep an open mind. I went into it saying I will do as much as I can to do it without drugs, but I will never say never. You'll know what is right for you when you are in the moment. I remember the time leading up to the birth. It is so crazy because nothing can totally prepare you for what it is really like. Mine was 24 hours and I can honestly tell you it was hard, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it could be. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
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