Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts

Sunday, November 14

Operation Christmas Child

For the past 4 years our church has been a part of Operation Christmas Child, through Samaritan's Purse. My mom dropped off her 2 boxes before they went away, then after A's nap this morning the three of us trucked over to the DG and filled our boxes for a boy and a girl (10-14 years old). As A gets older and other kids join our family they'll each get a shoe box and get to choose what they want to give.

Our church had 43 boxes to send this year...not our record, but still a good number. I think this is such an awesome mission! This year we did something a little different: They suggest including a note and picture of your family, so we did! Prayfully the kids who get these packages feel the love that Christ has for all of us.

I've included a video from the Samartin's Purse website that just brings tears to my eyes.

Friday, September 24

Internal Struggle

I've been struggling with something. Every once in a while it shows up at my door...I embrace it, then it slowly begins to fade, then I once again become complacent until it knocks at my door again. It's God.

With everything going on with my sister (which is still going on) one thing has become profoundly obvious through it all: A lack of Christ in our lives. Yes, we've allowed him to be there, but we haven't allowed him to do what he wants, what needs, to be done. This goes back many, many, many years. In my parents' own upbringings and in how they raised my brother, sister and myself.

All of our issues as a family, my brother and my relationship, everyone's relationship with my sister, my sister's issues, my parents' issues in their life/relationships, my sister and brother's confusion about God....all of it is because we have not put Him first in our lives.

One of my mom's good friends has been an invaluable resource and sounding board for everything that is going on, and has been going on, in our lives. Showing us proof after proof, evidence after evidence, that it is our own selfish ways which have caused this breaking in our family and in our lives. Sometimes we need to fall to the bottom before we can fall to our knees.

Through our infertility battle I struggled with God. Sometimes I relied on Him more willing, giving it all to him. The cycle that we let God and let go was the cycle that brought us our daughter. But, I don't know if you've noticed it, I have, there are few of my posts anymore glorifying Him and his work or calling on Him in our pain and desperation.

So, I now stand before you confessing that I have been selfish, that I haven't been putting Christ first, that I've been trying to control and manage my life on my own....and it's not working. It never will work that way.

But I'm also confessing that I'm embarrassed to be one of "those" Christians. One of those who wear God on their sleeve and praise Him in everything. I'm not even sure why, but I am. I worry that I will be exposed as a pretender, that I don't trust all to Him.

My mother has changed immensely with the guidance of her friend, through all of these issues with my sister. When she's talking about God and his place in her life and in our family and letting go, I become uncomfortable, particularly when she starts crying tears of joy. That is my own sin.

The question is: How do I go about changing? Obviously through Christ, but how. I've asked God to come into my life more times than I can count...and for a while (days/weeks) it's wonderful, but then something happens with me and I try to put Him in a nice neat box on a shelf. It obviously hasn't worked for the past 28 years and I need to do something different.

I don't want to be one of those showy over the top Christians, I don't want to be someone that others view as a hypocritical Christian: I want to be for Christ, but how? Lord, I know I need you in my life and to stop trying to compartmentalize something that can't be. I need to grow in your wisdom and love, not only for myself, but for my husband and children, for You. Help me.

Tuesday, November 24

'Tis the Season of Giving

The past few years I've dealt with the pain of the holidays by spending a lot of money...fortunately it was always for a good cause. Our church participates in several "outreach" programs....one of them is international, the other local.

Internationally we participate in the Operation Christmas Child, which provides shoe box gifts to children all over the world...in which there are some toys etc as well as necessary items (soap, tooth brushes, socks etc). It's actually a really cool program. You can choose as to what age and gender you want to buy for then, fill a shoe box (or a plastic tote) with whatever things you want.

This year I didn't get a chance to go shopping for the shoe boxes, but that's ok, because you can actually go online here and make donations...which are used to pay for postage of the packages or to buy items for boxes.

I've never checked out their website before, but there is actually a thing on there that will allow you to track your box...which I think is an awesome thing if you have kids. That way they can see where their boxes are going.

The other thing we do is through social services in our town. Local churches get a list of different families who don't have much, which includes the age/gender of any children (kind of like Angel Tree, but we don't have that around here). Last year we bought Christmas presents for a 14 year old girl, a 8 year old boy, a newborn girl....as well as something small for the parents. It felt good to buy things for kids that I knew had very little, if not nothing.

Matt and I think it's incredibly important for our kids to realize that there are others who are less fortunate out there, and that (regardless of the reasoning behind the circumstance...whether mom and/or dad just don't want to work [we have a lot of that around here]....or if they have fallen on hard times) it is our responsibility to help those that we can...especially the children, who are not in control.

There's a song that really brings this to mind...and always makes me cry. It's from The Polar Express (awesome movie!)...in the song there are 3 children....2 have everything and 1 has nothing. The little boy sings a line about how Santa must be busy, because he's never come around to his house....that just tears at my heart and always makes me cry...so if I can make some kids Christmas a little bit more special....I'll do it.


So...as a thought provoking question: What have you done in the past for others? What do you plan on doing this year for others?

Wednesday, August 5

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Very often it is only during the times of darkness in our lives that we cling to our beliefs, crying out to God to save us. Once we're "back on track" we remember He is there, but don't go to God as often as we should. I'm as guilt of this as anyone.

I try very hard to continually be thanking God for the blessings in my life and to praise Him for all that goes on: I'm not always successful. What made me realize this was looking back at my old posts...so many of them discuss my faith, my questions to God, my struggles with Him, my petitions to Him for a family. I don't know if I've moved away from that (in regards to blogging) because I've just been too busy or what.

I'm going to take a few moments here to talk about this very thing: My Thankfulness. I'm not going to say that I can see how all these things led us to His Perfect Plan, because, honestly, I don't.

One thing Matt and I agree on is that we wouldn't change anything in our life or anything that has happened in it. Does that mean we don't love our daughter? No it doesn't, we just wish we would have never had to go through that pain and devastation.

When we started our last cycle we both felt that it wasn't going to work, but that it was all in God's hands and if it did, it would be up to Him to prepare us for the outcome of that. We still very much feel that way...our success is only going to be determined by our "allowing" God to guide us; our happiness is only going to be determined by "allowing" God to guide us: Let Go, and Let God.

While I may not be able to see God's purpose/plan for the things that have happened...I can see the ways in which He has made things better, easier, for us.

I have absolutely no complaints about this pregnancy; another way in which I feel EXTREMELY blessed. My mom had very hard pregnancies with all 3 of us. There weren't complications or things like that, but she was VERY sick the entire time. I was rather nervous that I would be the same way...fortunately I'm not. I've been able to enjoy almost every minute of it, thus far. I'm grateful that I'm not "huge" yet, that I'm not really uncomfortable, and if I am it's bearable and isn't all the time....that I've pretty much been able to continue living my life.

Another thing for which I am thankful for is the peace that Matt and I both feel about our finances. Before IF we had saved up quite a bit of money that we were hoping to use to supplement our income, as well as pay off our housing grant. We don't have all that money anymore.

Both of us know that I cannot go back to my job, that if I have to, I'll find another (and we're entrusting that to God). We're completely at peace with the fact that we are going to have only one car (if Matt's car dies), that we aren't going to really have any income, that we may not have the finest things in life, but that we will have each other, our daughter, our home, our dogs, our chickens, and we'll be happy. Honestly, we're a little concerned about health insurance if I don't go back to work, but even that doesn't have us paranoid. That kind of peace can only come from one source: God.

I'm beyond thankful that we can be at peace with the things in our life, that we can see the blessings through the hard times, that we can be grateful for the simpler things in life, that we don't have to have to the flashy things (don't get me wrong...they're nice...I'd love a new minivan, but I wouldn't love the added stress of a payment).

Some people would look at our life (if it were their's) and think "I can't live like this!" We look at our life and think "I can't imagine it being any other way". We know that most people wouldn't feel comfortable with our life, but we know we would hate living the life of them...arguing with each other, keeping up with the Jones', etc etc.

I'm very thankful to God for my life and all the blessings in it. I'm thankful for having a husband as wonderful as Matt, I'm thankful that I have a partner and best friend that I can't imagine not having in my life, I'm thankful for our home, I'm thankful for our little girl.

Wednesday, June 10

WAITING FOR JESUS

Scripture Reading: Mark 5:21-43 “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”
Mark 5:36

In an emergency room, if a doctor treats a patient with a nosebleed while another patient with a heart attack goes unattended and dies, that doctor is in trouble. If a police officer chases someone for speeding but ignores a bank robbery, that officer could face discipline.

Some situations call for immediate attention, while others can wait. Yet in our story today Jesus seems to delay an urgent case to deal with a less-important one.

Jesus was approached by a man named Jairus, whose daughter was at the point of death. He pleaded with Jesus to come immediately to his house and heal her. Along the way, a serious—but less urgent—situation arose. A woman who had been sick for 12 years touched Jesus and was healed. He stopped and asked, “Who touched me?” At first no one responded. But then the woman, trembling with fear, told what had happened.

Then, while Jesus was still speaking to the woman, word came that Jairus’s daughter had died. Jairus must have had feelings of anguish, confusion, and perhaps anger. Why had Jesus let that woman delay him?

Can you relate to this? Maybe you have waited for Jesus to help you, but it seemed never to happen. Remember: Jesus is never late. He is always on time— but it’s always in his time, and his timing is best. Jesus raised Jairus’s daughter to life—to the glory of God.

Prayer:
Lord, give me faith and patience when I am tested to tears and perhaps even anguish. Help me to know that your timing is best- and God will be glorified. Amen.

Friday, February 13

Isaiah 40: 29-31

"He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."

I recently bought this book "Longing for a Child: Devotions of Hope for Your Journey Through Infertility"by Kathe Wunnenberg. (CBD.com has it for $2.99, it's $6.98 with shipping). I bought it at the beginning of this cycle and flipped through it a couple of times. I like how it's set up; they are different devotions and readings for the different emotions of infertility. It also has a section with prayers and verses for specific events (mother's day, father's day, baby showers, holidays etc).

This morning I tested. One of the things I wish infertility could be is black and white...none of this waffling back and forth and not know what is "real". I also took a test last Sunday (8dp-iui). Last Sunday's had a line, faint, but there...most likely it was still the trigger. My body seems to respond differently to it each cycle (last time it was out after 4 days).

As you all know I've felt nothing this cycle. I've had no response to the prometrium, no symptoms, no nothing...I feel completely normal and my jeans still fit, comfortably.

I tested this morning and it was stark white. I went back to bed and got up 10-15 minutes later because I hadn't dumped my pee cup. Of course one has to look at a stark white negative pregnancy test repeatedly and from different angles and in different lighting (I think it's some kind of sick obsession). I'm not even sure if what I see is really there, or if it's me hallucinating. There is, I think, a line ever so faint...that you can only see it from a certain angle under a certain light. Could it be an evap line? Most likely.

Before I had gotten out of bed the second time I was just laying there, wanting to cry, but not able to. I don't know what to do next: Do I start the adoption stuff? How are we going to get an ID consent form notarized in our small town without someone saying something? Why are we even having to deal with this? It's not fair? Are we ever going to be parents? Is a 2009 baby even in the cards for us? Is a 2010? Should we even be bothering to look at the Toyota Siennas? North Carolina's going to suck? Will I ever be a mommy? Should I email BCS and ask that they send us the preliminary application? WHY? WHY? WHY?

After getting up and "seeing" a "line" I went back to bed...and read the devotion (with the above verse) about "facing dreaded news". It talked about asking God to calm us. He can calm the storm, but sometimes we have to go through the storm and we need to, more importantly, calm ourselves and accept his plan and purpose. I have a hard time with that: Accepting things I don't understand, especially when there is so much pain associated with it.

For the past 36 cycles I have been prepared each month to tell Matt. This month is no different, except it's Valentine's day tomorrow. "Seeing" that "line" does something terrible to me: It gives me hope, and I'm afraid. What if that hope is just a figment of my imagination? What if I get my hopes up for this possibility? I know other people test on 13dp and get a resounding positive. Here I sit....wondering.

I know there is no possible reason why this cycle could work: They're were only 8 million motile sperm...that's not a very good number. The realization of that is countered by the fact that I did the ovidrel trigger my way, so I very well could have ovulated soon enough for 1 of those 8 million to find an egg or two. I hate this.

Now, do I test again tomorrow morning (before we go spend the day with family) or do I just wait until the phone call from my beta on Monday. Most likely, knowing me, I'll test again tomorrow and then I will probably cry.



I think I only added these pictures to torment myself the whole day (these were taken 1hr 20 minutes after original testing).

Friday, June 13

"You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10

Here's the full text of the Book of Job.

Driving home from work last night, I was thinking more about hardship, fear, faith, and God; how they all work together and whether fear is from God or from Satan. I was thinking about what I had said, that hardships and fear draw some to God, while others push God away and refuse to acknowledge him.

I honestly think that "bad" things don't come from God, and I honestly think that "bad" things are a test. They are Satan's way of getting us to turn from God. We may pass or fail the test, either way God still loves us and welcomes us.

The long and short of Job's story is that God allows Satan to test Job; to remove all the good in his life and leave him wanting death. Satan believes that Job will eventually curse God, which is what Satan wants. Throughout all of his trials, Job stands strong in his faith and never once curses God. He questions God and doesn't understand why these things are happening to him, he turns away from God (for a time), he curses himself but he never curses God as Satan was sure he would. At the end God restores his health and wealth, beyond what Job originally had. Because of his faith he is duly rewarded.

There are a couple of things in Job's story that stick-out to me. 1) The destruction of his future, his children; 2) Feeling as God has forgotten him; 3) Others believing you must have done something to deserve this fate, cursing yourself for some unknown transgression; 4) The end result being better than you could have imagined.

I don't think that Job felt that all the riches (land, family etc) he had lost, were replaced when God blessed him again. He must have still mourned for them, especially his family. Infertility is like that: We may yet be blessed, but it may not be in the way we think. If we are not blessed with families it is not because God desires to punish us, but because He believes in us and wants us to rely on Him, because He has something better in mind.

Prov 3:5-10
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.

Thursday, June 12

The Purpose of Fear

I think there is a purpose to fear. It is good for us, to a degree, to fear. God doesn’t want our fear to control us and put us under the power of Satan. I think that fear serves as an equalizer; it reminds us of our limitations and our humanity.

I feel that if we did not have fear we would believe that we were capable of anything, on our own, without any limitations. If we were fearless we would think we had no need of God or prayer. It is fear which drops us to our knees before God, begging for His help and mercy. (Exodus 20:20, Deut 10:12)

Without fear we would go about doing as we please, without a thought to the repercussions of our action. It is most commonly our fear of God and his displeasure with us that keeps us from partaking of certain things. We desire to do good in His eyes, and fear His anger.

That being said: I have my fears, but I try not to let them control me. There are times when they become overwhelming and I must battle them back; rebuking Satan and calling on Jesus. My fears, to me, serve as a warning: If I’m afraid of something or for someone, it is with good reason. It is then that I need to call on God for guidance and support.

God does not want us to dwell on or live in fear, he wants us to hand them over to Him, but if we do not fear we will not call on Him. Fear is good, because it does bring us closer to God. It is when we allow fear to control us and pull us away from God that it is the work of Satan. As long as our fears are driving us to God, they can only work for good.

Sunday, May 18

Let go, and Let God

I had to go to work this morning: Yuck! Fortunately, I was home by 10:00am; just in time to climb back into bed with Matt ;-)

It was gorgeous when I got up. The sun was starting to burn the fog off, and the sky was a deep blue. I grabbed my camera. It was a good thing, because since I left work it has done nothing but rain and be overcast.

Now, before you look at them. Keep in mind, they are completely unedited. I had nothing to do with them and their composition. They were taken while driving down the road at 60mph, out the window. Thus what I mean by Let Go and Let God. They are entirely His works.

Tuesday, May 6

"Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer." ~ Unknown

I just wanted to thank all of you for your support over the last few days, as well as for your prayers and thoughts. It means more to me than words can say, to know that there are people that we have never met who are praying for us, who continually comment and give their support.

I know God is working in my life as well as all of yours. Six months ago if we had received this diagsnosis, I would be angry at God...I wouldn't want to speak to Him. Right now, I'm not angry at Him; I'm angry at our infertility. I'm trusting that He will show us our path to parenthood, something which we will never second guess or have any qualms about:
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)~11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Don't get me wrong...it hurts, and we're scared of where to go next, and how family and friends will respond to our IF and our decisions, and all the emotions that I've talked about over the past few days exist, but they're directed at "Infertility", not at God. Rachel was talking about this in her blog, how we get angry/jealous at others who are fertile, but it's "Infertility" that we should be truly angry at.

I know my peacefulness with our infertility is due to all of your prayers: Thank you!

Tuesday, April 29

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

I know lately I've gotten away from using bible verses as titles, but I think we all need reminders of God's presence through our IF and His plans for us. I'm still dumbfounded that I would rather remain in ignorance of his plan, than to trust that his plan for Matt and I will be wonderful.

We're all so human; blind to everything but our own suffering and pathetic plans. Any of our plans/dreams truly are pathetic compared to what He has in store for us, and yet we don't want to hand over control to Him, to TRUST COMPLETELY in HIM! I'm as guilt of this as anyone is.

Matthew 6:25-34 ~ Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sunday, April 13

"Say You Love Me" ~ by Naturally Seven

A love song, written from God's perspective

(Verse 1)
The ocean rises the waves now crash cross the seashore
As the wind blows
The earth, the moon, flowers bloom as the rain drops
And the trees grow
No mystery I can come to see I can feel your soul
Make you whole
With open arms I am here for you, I'm the air you breathe
I'm everything

CHORUS
Say you love me
Tell me that you love me
Say that I'm the one that you come running to
To hold you through the rain
Say you love me
And there is no one else above me
Open up your heart to me I'll always be
All you'll ever need
Say you love me

(Verse 2)
I'll unlock the door to paradise just follow
If you want to
Take my hand and we'll fly away let me show you
That I love you
The candles burn as your world is turning slowly
Listen closely
Be with me I am here for you forever
And ever

CHORUS

(Verse 3)
I know you're out there
Chasing waterfalls (say you love me)
But you can rise above
And show me that you love

CHORUS

Say you love me, say you love me I'm all you'll ever need
Just say you love me
Say you love me, say you love me
I can hear you breathe
Just say you love me(repeat)

Thursday, April 10

"It isn't the stork, it isn't the stork, it isn't the stork at all!" lyrics from Once Upon a Mattress

Little bit of background on the title. These lyrics are from a song in Once Upon a Mattress (OUAM) in which the mute king is trying to explain the birds and the bees to his son...the son isn't that bright and isn't really getting what the mute king is trying to say. IF throws this line into a WHOLE other light:

I emailed my T-TTC sister (via TheNest) and we were talking about how this (having a baby) shouldn't be as hard as it is, here is an excerpt from my email:

The whole thing is absurd! This isn't how having children is supposed to be!
It's supposed to just "BAM!" happen…

I know what you mean about "Let me just be pregnant already!" Last night, I was having one of those aching moments (I think part of the reason for sitting on the couch). I just wanted to be pregnant…to go upstairs and look at the "nursery" room and have it all set up, to pick out clothes and shop for this little person, knowing that soon we would be holding our child. GRR!

I read on somebody's blog the other day, what will they say when Jr. asks "Where did I come from?" "Well, you came from a lab…" It really is like the old concept of the stork…but a lot more complex.
It isn't precisely 'the stork', but for some of us to get pregnant it takes: a TEAM of doctors and nurses, a slew of drugs and needles, repeatedely displaying your privates (external AND internal) to strangers, possible someone to donate missing elements...all in the hopes that eventually you will get those two lines on a pee-stick, and 9 months later to pop a healthy, beautiful baby (or two) out. Sounds like a whole lot to go through for something that teenagers manage to do quite easily.

If it were a matter of putting in a request to the 'stork' and having him/her drop a bundle down the chimney I'm more than willing to foot the bill for that. Honestly though, how are any of us who go through all of this ever going to explain to our kids where babies come from! It's an entirely 'foreign' thing we're going through here. I guess the simple answer is...God.

This whole thing is undoubtedly a leap of faith. Will it be all for naught? Or will we eventually be parents? (preferably before we're broke and living in a cardboard box over a sewer grate). GOD PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE ANSWER IS! I PROMISE I WILL NEVER SWEAR AGAIN, AND THAT I WILL VOLUNTEER MORE, AND DO WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO! (Do you think bribing will work?)

On the other hand would we want children to be aware of how difficult it is sometimes to get pregnant? Not that they're like us and think this whole thing is as easy as it sounds in our Sex Ed/Health classes, and not that they think it's REALLY hard and don't bother protecting themselves.

Tuesday, January 29

Everything will be OK.

I joined the new gym in town last week...big step for me. I really don't like exercising particularly in "public", but it's actually pretty great! I've managed to keep my motivation and my excitement about it: I've been 5 times in the past 6 days since I've joined (I took Sunday off). I'm not saying it's a habit yet, but so far so good.

I got home this morning and the sun was just starting to come up...all red and purpley pinks. I could tell it was going to be an amazing sunrise. Forget work...I had more important things to accomplish: I grabbed the dogs and my camera and ran down the back hill to the field behind our house (it was 16* this morning). While it's not abnormal for me to run out of the house with a camera in hand, I certainly didn't have time this morning...but I had to, there was no thinking about.

There are no words to describe how wonderful a sunrise it was. Don't get me wrong the colors were glorious and the clouds were filtering them perfectly. After I had snapped off about 40 or so pictures I just stopped...and I started crying. I just felt completely in awe and at peace. I just knew that everything is going to be OK.

I've been so worried about everything and praying so hard that something good would finally happen. Trying to be thankful in all circumstances, trying to trust that all will be well, trying to understand what work God is doing and what His plan is...why He's allowed Matt to suffer from so much pain and why our prayers for a baby are going unanswered.

But in that field this morning I just knew it will all be OK. He hasn't forgotten us or deserted us. I can't remember who it is, but one of the girls on the Nest has a quote: God only gives three answers to prayer: 1) Yes 2) Not Yet or 3) I have something better in mind.

Don't get me wrong...I'm still anxious and worried about Matt and his back, we're still desperately wanting a child, but I don't feel so alone. I don't know what will be, but I know that the One who does know only ever has our best at heart.

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